If It Kills Me
by noellestarr
Summary: If it kills me I will tell you everything you want to know. I'll let you go... Erica evaluates her feelings for a certain friend...or is it more? Song/Fic of If It Kills Me by Elle Maze. Ethica or Etharah depending on how you look at it.


**Well, I'm not sure where this came from. I wanted to explore Erica's character some, and then I listened to If It Kills Me by Elle Maze, and came up with this. I also wanted to explore something besides my previous genre of writing for Ethan/Sarah and Erica/Benny only. **

**Well, I hope you enjoy and please no flames! Oh, and I don't own If It Kills Me by Elle Maze. Listen to it! It's awesome(:**

I've always known he has a thing for Sarah. Heck, everyone knows except for Sarah! The way his chocolate brown eyes long for hers, and of course the way his lop-sided smiles favor her face and hers only. What would I give to have him smile at _me_ like that? I thought it was just a crush. I can't deny that Sarah is gorgeous, and everyone knows it. When I became a vampire, I got this golden opportunity. This opportunity to have Ethan look at me in a different light, think I was beautiful. But it had to be _her_ that ran into him in the lunchroom, didn't it?

_You like her. _

_You love to talk about her; you want her._

_Say you can't live without her._

The poems, the pictures... It is basically an infatuation he has with her. I'll never know exactly why he is so fond of her, he never tells anyone. Maybe it's her bravery, or charisma. Or possibly even her spunk. He asks me all the time, "What's Sarah's ideal date? Or, what does she look for in a guy?" I was the one he asked for advice on where he should take her for their first date. I was the one.

_You want me, to help you get to know her._

_You ask me, what you can do to show her._

When did I start to have an attraction to Ethan? It's the question I bet everyone would ask if they knew my little secret. It really all started in the second grade. I was in forth grade at the time, and we were sent into their classroom to help with things. I tripped over a train, causing my glasses to fly to the other side of the room. I was extremely embarrassed. All the other kids laughed and just got on with their day. But Ethan was the one who walked all the way to the other side of the room to retrieve my glasses. I still remember that moment when he smiled at me and handed me my glasses back. His smile is still the same today, but it's never directed at me. I don't even think he remembers.

_She's my best friend and your best friend._

_And in the end I'd do anything you wanted._

The day I set Ethan and Sarah up on the date was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't deny that I didn't pick the vampire restaurant because I wanted to spy on their date. I did. But seeing the way they looked at each other, that's what killed me the most.

_If it kills me I will tell you everything you want to know._

_I'll let you go._

_If it breaks me, obviously, it's not me you want and I want you to be happy._

_If it kills me._

Sarah likes him too. Oh, does she like him too. It's very hard to get her to admit to it sometimes, but that doesn't stop her from being captain obvious. She talks about him all the time, secretly wishing he was hers. What she doesn't understand though is that she already has him.

_She likes you._

_She loves to talk about you; she wants you._

_Says she can't live without you._

Sometimes I have a jealously overload. So much of one that I'll have to leave the room. I always dismiss it as because I don't want to talk about 'the dork'. I guess part of that it true. I don't want _her_ talking about the dork. She asks me all the time if it's awkward for me, since I

'hate' him so much. I lie, and I say it isn't. It is awkward, oh so awkward, but not in the way that she thinks.

_I listen, with my heart exploding._

_Dying, dying, trying not to show it._

_And as I pretend I'm just your friend, and in the end I'd do anything..._

When he asked me if I would watch Jane for Sarah while she was on vacation, I was ecstatic. It was one Friday night where I could be Sarah for the day, and have all of Ethan's attention. I went over there, happy as heck. Little did I know Ethan had actually gone with Sarah. It was a last minute thing, he said, and I was left with Jane all alone. So much for being Sarah for a day. Everyone tells me that Benny likes me, and I'm seriously flattered. I mean, I tried to like him back, hoping it would help me get over Ethan... but of course it didn't help. Some things you just can't let go of.

_If it kills me I will tell you everything you want to know._

_I'll let you go._

_If it breaks me, obviously, it's not me you want and I want you to be happy._

_If it kills me._

I've thought about telling him. I really have, especially in those moments when we share a secret smile, which could mean way less than I make it out to be. Like when I called to tell him Sarah was trapped at the vampire council. He was so worried about her and I wanted nothing more than to have that. But instead I bit my tongue and told him to be careful. I figure if I tell him, he'll be so weirded out that he won't want to talk to me anymore. He thinks I hate him. I can't help that hate is my defense mechanism for love! It always has been. Just like sarcasm is my outlet for admiration. So I've just got to keep lying. Even if it's to myself. Because I truly want him to be happy, he at least deserves that.

_Why can't it be me living in your dreams?_

_I could lose you both if I let you know._

_Cause you'll be with her and I'll be alone either way it goes, so I'll tell you that I'm happy._

_If it kills me._

Why have I fallen for Ethan? Simple. His strength. I don't mean strength as in being able to life weights, even though that'd be nice, but as in one's character. He doesn't give up. Even when something happens to turn the tables, he's standing up, ready to tackle anything and everything with one of his full-proof plans. Then of course Benny and Rory have to ruin it with one of their infamous acts of stupidity, and so we end up saving the world either by accident or thanks to Sarah and me. I'm not even sure Sarah understands how special Ethan truly is. Sometimes I feel like she takes advantage of him and his infatuation with her. Or maybe it's just me? It's almost like she knows this and uses him to her advantage. She doesn't even stop to thank him, not even once. When have you ever heard headstrong Sarah thank anyone for anything? Exactly. But maybe I'm just paranoid. I guess I'll never know. I can't exactly talk to Sarah about this, because I'm positive that wouldn't go well. Oh well. Maybe I'm too caught up in this infatuation of my own...

_If it kills me, I will tell you everything you want to know._

_I'll let you go._

_If it breaks me, obviously, it's not me you want so I'll tell you that I'm happy._

_If it kills me._

I'll never get over him. But maybe someday I can let go?

Thanks for listening journal, when no one else could.

_-Erica_

"Hey, Erica." A voice startles me and I look up to find Ethan with his bright aura and award-winning dorky smile.

I shrug nervously and stick the journal under my arm.

"Something for school?" He asks, conversationally.

"Actually, something for me." I shoot him a smile and walk out into the hall with him from the school library.

"So how did the second date with Sarah go? Better than the first I hope." I smile slyly, only faking it on the inside.

"Much better. I actually came to thank you for helping me plan it. It means a lot to me that you care." He smiles that said smile and pulls me into a quick hug, before turning in the opposite direction and taking off down the hallway. He was probably scared I would slap him or something. I watch him as he turns the corner, and I take a deep breath before heading out towards the same double doors he walked out moments ago.

**_If it kills me._**

**Well that's it! I hope you enjoyed and please review! **


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